Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
I'm a loser, a complete idiot.
Stupid me for thinking that after you've spent all day doing that you might be able to give me five minutes of your time.
Is it really too much to ask?
A simple 'how are you?'
That's really too much to ask?
I feel so loved, wanted and appreciated.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
It had happened before. But that didn't make it any less scary this time around.
Seven years old you heard me cry
'I don't want to say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy, and everything he was...
"I don't think I can live without you
Dad I know you're breaking in two..."'
With tears streaming down his face he said
"we're gonna make it. I'm gonna make it."
The idea of losing anyone scares me. Death worse than moving. Though I can't say that anyone who has mentioned moving in the past month or so would have been met with much other than a hostile reaction from me. Its self preservation. Something I used to be good at. Never let yourself get too attached. To anyone. To anything. I used to be the worlds expert at keeping people at arms length. And now I suck at it. I crave human contact. I get to know people and I grow attached. And I get more upset than necessary when people leave or die.
I recently said on this blog that I have so much to day but that I can't say it here. Well my gorgeous Courtney just bought me my first journal of the year. I can't even tell you how much of a good idea that is for me. In any normal situation I'd journal all the time. This year? Additional writing that I'm not being marked on? No thank you. But now that its over... The idea of getting back into writing excites me. I was ready to start a new story, and to have somewhere to write things down that isn't available to everybodys eyes seems enticing right now.
Just before I end this post I would like to say, to those of you Who have made the effort to contact me in the past few days, thank you. It means a lot. Not that anyone really knows what's been going on... But those people who have even just sent me a text to check in in the past few days, I can't even tell you how grateful I am.
Monday, December 6, 2010
so basically, when i get too close to people i jeopardize my relationships...
i've done it with branden, he's been strong enough to get passed most of that.
i've done it with every friend i've had in the past five years... lied, snapped, screamed, fought, cried. said and done things that I myself would not put up with from a friend.
i'm doing it with you now, and even though i'm coming to realise this, i dont know how to stop it....
its something i do subconsciously and afterwards realise...
you went away, and i got scared that you'd leave for good. and i realised that you mean too much to me to lose. so i subconsciously distance myself... i cause arguements, get upset over the tiniest things, blow everything out of proportion.
because eventually, like so many before you you'll have to make a choice, to stand by me or to give up.................
Sunday, December 5, 2010
i currently feel completely lost. i'm almost wondering if i should start an anonymous blog. because there are things going through my head that i dont want anyone to know. because there are things going through my head that i dont even understand.
i feel sad again.
i feel like everything is pointless.... i have nothing to aim for anymore.
full of uncertainty.
i like to know what is going to happen. i hate uncertainty. i hate not knowing where i'll be next year, what i'll be doing.
until now it's been so clear, so straight forward... 'this year i was in grade ___, next year i will be in grade ___.' But this time.............. This year i completed grade twelve and my high school education... Next year I will be.............................................
- bachelor of behavioural science
- bachelor of education
- bachelor of arts
maybe not even any of those...
well, working regardless i suppose...
i hate not knowing. i hate knowing that everything is changing. everything will be different. i dont have the safety of school anymore. i know that i was so eager to get out while i was there. and dont get me wrong, i still dont want to go back. but i hate knowing that everything is changing... and im scared.
scared of not knowing.
scared of everything changing.
scared of what might happen.
scared of losing myself... although i fear i may already have done that.
i dont like this person... the person i fear i am now. someone with a short temper, always angry or upset, never happy, always hurting people or making them angry or something... i've become someone i wouldn't want to be around.
i hated you needlessly and for that im sorry.
i hated you for a reason, but im done now. you can be that way, but i'm not going to hate you anymore.
you hated me without even knowing me, refused to give me a chance... all i can ask is that maybe you reconsider.
i dont know whats wrong with me. but something isnt right.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
So I'm rather upset today... And I want to talk about it... I just can't... So instead I'm dawdling my way through target pretending to look at things I can't afford...
I would give anything to avoid my life today... No work, no formal, no family......
Just you and me. But oh that's right. That makes me a "hussy" great.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
You didn't seem to understand why I reacted so strongly to the idea of you leaving.
And I guess I can understand that.
So many people want to move. To get out of Adelaide, out of Australia, as soon as they can afford it. And I can understand that...
It just seems that a lot of people who are close to me are the ones who want to do it.
I get sad when people leave. Even just on holidays.
I get sad when people leave. And decide they want to stay.
I don't take it very easily when someone says they want to move/are moving. Especially not someone who means so much to me.
I mean, I love you, and I want you to do what's right for you. And that is to move I suppose. As you said, you want to get out of Australia. So you may as well leave when you have the money. And live your life.
But you can't leave me behind.
I know you promised not to.
But then so did the last person who left me...
And I've had no form of response on any contact made in the past six months...
I guess dealing with me just falls in the too hard basket or something... he has so much else going on...
But I miss him.
And I miss you...
And I'm lost...
I feel like now, with nothing to work towards, no school to focus on, I really have no purpose.
I need direction.
I need structure.
I need something to distract me from this...
I can't do this right now.
I just feel like I can't handle it...
Like I'm slipping...
I won't go back...
I can't go back.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My next batch of letters is on their way. But it's long. So sucks to be you all reading through them I suppose... Anywho, they'll be up here soon.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I honestly don't know how many of you actually read this... so we'll see how this goes :P
and my lettering system is different to Ben's so don't rely on that to work it out because you'll be wrong :P
T: 5-10. Now sweetie i thought you meant minutes but i'm now assuming you meant hours :P heh, i love you. :D and i hear i'm stealing your bed for a night :P
J: I'm glad that we can be friends now. :) even though I know we will probably always clash it's good to know that we can get along :)
Y: You're beautiful and I like to think you're one of my best friends. I really really hope we don't lose touch after this year.
S: You don't read this. But I liked your comment. I think you've just changed the way I look at my life with just 7 simple words.
E: So I guess this is the way it's going to be... I don't want to feel like I need to tip toe around you for the rest of my life so I guess I'll say it once more. I'm claiming what is mine and you don't have any say in the matter. Stay away from me unless you can choose to be able to tolerate me.
I: I like hanging out and getting to know you :)
M: It has been so great meeting you and getting to know you. I'm just sad that it's only really been in the past little while that we've really become friends.
D: Oh my freaking gosh, you are pissing me off so so much. if i have to hear that whiney voice anymore i am actually going to scream.
N2: i will always care. even when you say that i dont. always. im here for you and i care a hell of a lot.
S: i really enjoy the time we get to spend together. you always say what you think. which is really admirable but sometimes you don't always put it the best way... in any case, i love you. and i've really missed you.
E2: you are seriously one of the strongest people i know. and it amazes me constantly that you seem to have everything so together most of the time... :)
S2: I feel kinda bad about the way that things are and i kinda feel like i'm the reason for your loss of friends.... i mean i know its not just cos of what happened but... i feel like i had something to do with it... i still hate you. but im sorry for the way things are. and im sorry if it was my fault. there were people who deserved to know the truth.
M2: It was so sweet of you to check in and i really appreciated that you took the time to wish me luck and see how i went. :)
R: Thank you so much for just being there for me and being around for me to talk to.... I really appreciate it and i like to know that you feel like you can turn to me when you need someone at least sometimes. also, thank you so much for your offer this afternoon. youre beautiful inside and out :)
I: Girly i havent seen you in ages. you have such big dreams and aspirations for your future. i hope you achieve your goals in life (theres looooooooooads so at least some). youre such a lovely chooky that you will be loved and accepted wherever you may go in life and in the world. if i dont see you soon, good luck baby girl :)
S3: You're gorgeous inside and out missy. i admire the way youve worked through all of this and figured everything out. never be ashamed of yourself, especially your appearance. because a lot of us girls would kill to look like you.
i think i got everyone.................
love you all.
well...... unless you got a not so nice and loving comment... then i guess i dont love you quite so much :P
Sunday, October 24, 2010
so i suck and fail and die and dead and murrrrr you don't read this i don't think or well... i only know of twice that you've actually looked at it so you might read it and just never comment or say anything about it. but in any case...... it can't be like this.
it just can't.
Friday, October 22, 2010
So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Honestly, one of my favourite things in the whole world is to wake up and find a really sweet text message waiting for me. You know who you are. Thank you for brightening my day :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"if you love someone let them go, and if they come back they are truly yours if not it was never meant to be"
Friday, August 27, 2010
noun, boy, youth.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Allocate your sentiment, and stick it in a box.
I've never been an extrovert, but i'm still breathing.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I cannot even express the relief I feel in waiting for school to be over tonight. To only have to come back here two time in the next three weeks...... I cannot even tell you how much of a relief it will be. And to be able to spend entire days at home on my own... And to lock myself away from everyone and everything and just... idk. Get back to my normal self. I'm tired of being rundown and grumpy all the time, and I'm sure everyone is sick of me too.
seriously, i am intending to see almost no one for most of the holidays. sorry if that sounds mean or anything. i just have to get my head back in the right place. cos right now...? it's not.
and i want to see him... actually spend a decent amount of time with him.
i want to get ahead with my school work, get plenty of rest, getback to being somewhat healthy and unsick.
more than anything though... i want to get out of here for a while. this place just... i don't know. as far as a school goes, it's not as bad as everyone says it is... but spending every day inside these big black gates trying to concentrate on things that don't matter when you've been up until three am the night before trying to read this stupid book.... it's harder than it sounds. i am coming back for my classics exam tuesday, and my english exam and then english oral wednesday... and then i am out of her until end of holidays...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Some moods can only be fixed by listening to Steven Curtis Chapman on repeat.
It’s kind of ironic, that I became known for a while as ‘Cindy’ or ‘Cinderella’, by a few people because of one friend. Who is maybe still a friend now. Maybe not. I don’t really know anymore. And the song that can always calm me down is ‘Cinderella’ by Steven Curtis Chapman.
That’s why... You know it’s bad when I go from Mayday Parade to Steven Curtis Chapman. Or from whoever else I’m listening to almost solely on repeat at the time.
I’m not smart like everyone else. I’m one of the less smart people in the ‘Ignite’ class. I’m one of the ones who cannot think I’ve bombed out and still achieve the high ‘B’ grade that is not good enough. I’m the one who bombs out, forgets half my essay and gets a 12. I can’t get all upset over a ‘B’ when I wanted an ‘A’. Because getting a ‘B’ takes so much time and effort that it’s just... An achievement even when it’s a disappointment.
I need to learn to concentrate when there’s other stuff going on. Because the only way I can pass is to put all of my time and effort into my school work. And at the moment I don’t do that. I sit down and try to do work but there’s always so much other stuff going on that it just doesn’t get done. Or I don’t work on it as thoroughly as I should. Or... put as much effort into it as I should. There are times when I pass things up and I know I haven’t done my best, and I get a worse mark. And I’m prepared for that. But you have no idea how hard it is sometimes to pass up something that is your best work. You’ve worked on it so hard, for so long, and put everything you have into getting it right, and yet it’s not good enough. You get a lower grade anyway. Because I’m not that smart. And I’m not that good at it and.... I just can’t. I can’t achieve the results I want to achieve regardless of how hard I work or how much time and effort I put into it.
I don’t want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist because I think it will be fun to do. Hell, I have enough of my own issues without dealing with other people’s for fun.
I want to get into that career to further research in teen suicide and depression. To work out why it happens. To figure out if it’s chemical or because of the situation they’re in or both. I want to be in it for prevention. I want to help out kids like the ones I’ve known, like myself, who feel like they aren’t good enough and nothing is worth it anymore. I want to help out the kids who don’t want to do it anymore. And show them that there is more to it. And that things will get better.
But I suppose to do that, I first have to believe that things actually will get better.
I want to do it... So much. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I don’t do that. That’s *what* I want to do.
But for someone like me? Who isn’t that smart? A 95.10 is pretty much an impossible score to obtain. I’ll be lucky to even reach the 75-80 range where behavioural science falls.
There was a time when I wanted to teach. I even jokingly said the other day that I want to become a teacher merely so that I can staple Maccas job applications to failed tests and assignments. I mean, in reality I would never do that, because well... I could be one of those kids getting that job application, and even though I already have a job... It would be upsetting none the less. But anyway, it was a joke so it doesn’t really matter. What I realised though... Is that, while that is/was my back up career option... I don’t want to. I can’t. I couldn’t. How could I be a teacher when I can barely make it through school myself? I don’t want to walk into my work place every day for the rest of my life and feel like the fraud that that would make me feel like.
Here’s the thing. I’m a bitch sometime. And I know it. I’m sad a lot. And I know it. But I think something that you don’t realise, when you refer to me as a bitch, and complain that I’m sad, is that I actually do have things going on in my life. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want special treatment. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me. But what you need to realise is that I have things happening in my life. Things that none of you, not a single person who reads this, know about, and maybe will ever know about (well... except Branden knows a lot of it...) I’m not a bitch without reason. I’m not sad without reason. I don’t get upset for no reason. I don’t try to be happy for no reason.
There are reasons behind everything I do. There are reasons behind every bad day. There are reasons behind every remark I make and every snide comment. And a lot of the time you need to just brush it off and let it go because it rarely has anything to do with you.