Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I cannot even express the relief I feel in waiting for school to be over tonight. To only have to come back here two time in the next three weeks...... I cannot even tell you how much of a relief it will be. And to be able to spend entire days at home on my own... And to lock myself away from everyone and everything and just... idk. Get back to my normal self. I'm tired of being rundown and grumpy all the time, and I'm sure everyone is sick of me too.
seriously, i am intending to see almost no one for most of the holidays. sorry if that sounds mean or anything. i just have to get my head back in the right place. cos right now...? it's not.
and i want to see him... actually spend a decent amount of time with him.
i want to get ahead with my school work, get plenty of rest, getback to being somewhat healthy and unsick.
more than anything though... i want to get out of here for a while. this place just... i don't know. as far as a school goes, it's not as bad as everyone says it is... but spending every day inside these big black gates trying to concentrate on things that don't matter when you've been up until three am the night before trying to read this stupid book.... it's harder than it sounds. i am coming back for my classics exam tuesday, and my english exam and then english oral wednesday... and then i am out of her until end of holidays...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Some moods can only be fixed by listening to Steven Curtis Chapman on repeat.
It’s kind of ironic, that I became known for a while as ‘Cindy’ or ‘Cinderella’, by a few people because of one friend. Who is maybe still a friend now. Maybe not. I don’t really know anymore. And the song that can always calm me down is ‘Cinderella’ by Steven Curtis Chapman.
That’s why... You know it’s bad when I go from Mayday Parade to Steven Curtis Chapman. Or from whoever else I’m listening to almost solely on repeat at the time.
I’m not smart like everyone else. I’m one of the less smart people in the ‘Ignite’ class. I’m one of the ones who cannot think I’ve bombed out and still achieve the high ‘B’ grade that is not good enough. I’m the one who bombs out, forgets half my essay and gets a 12. I can’t get all upset over a ‘B’ when I wanted an ‘A’. Because getting a ‘B’ takes so much time and effort that it’s just... An achievement even when it’s a disappointment.
I need to learn to concentrate when there’s other stuff going on. Because the only way I can pass is to put all of my time and effort into my school work. And at the moment I don’t do that. I sit down and try to do work but there’s always so much other stuff going on that it just doesn’t get done. Or I don’t work on it as thoroughly as I should. Or... put as much effort into it as I should. There are times when I pass things up and I know I haven’t done my best, and I get a worse mark. And I’m prepared for that. But you have no idea how hard it is sometimes to pass up something that is your best work. You’ve worked on it so hard, for so long, and put everything you have into getting it right, and yet it’s not good enough. You get a lower grade anyway. Because I’m not that smart. And I’m not that good at it and.... I just can’t. I can’t achieve the results I want to achieve regardless of how hard I work or how much time and effort I put into it.
I don’t want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist because I think it will be fun to do. Hell, I have enough of my own issues without dealing with other people’s for fun.
I want to get into that career to further research in teen suicide and depression. To work out why it happens. To figure out if it’s chemical or because of the situation they’re in or both. I want to be in it for prevention. I want to help out kids like the ones I’ve known, like myself, who feel like they aren’t good enough and nothing is worth it anymore. I want to help out the kids who don’t want to do it anymore. And show them that there is more to it. And that things will get better.
But I suppose to do that, I first have to believe that things actually will get better.
I want to do it... So much. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I don’t do that. That’s *what* I want to do.
But for someone like me? Who isn’t that smart? A 95.10 is pretty much an impossible score to obtain. I’ll be lucky to even reach the 75-80 range where behavioural science falls.
There was a time when I wanted to teach. I even jokingly said the other day that I want to become a teacher merely so that I can staple Maccas job applications to failed tests and assignments. I mean, in reality I would never do that, because well... I could be one of those kids getting that job application, and even though I already have a job... It would be upsetting none the less. But anyway, it was a joke so it doesn’t really matter. What I realised though... Is that, while that is/was my back up career option... I don’t want to. I can’t. I couldn’t. How could I be a teacher when I can barely make it through school myself? I don’t want to walk into my work place every day for the rest of my life and feel like the fraud that that would make me feel like.
Here’s the thing. I’m a bitch sometime. And I know it. I’m sad a lot. And I know it. But I think something that you don’t realise, when you refer to me as a bitch, and complain that I’m sad, is that I actually do have things going on in my life. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want special treatment. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me. But what you need to realise is that I have things happening in my life. Things that none of you, not a single person who reads this, know about, and maybe will ever know about (well... except Branden knows a lot of it...) I’m not a bitch without reason. I’m not sad without reason. I don’t get upset for no reason. I don’t try to be happy for no reason.
There are reasons behind everything I do. There are reasons behind every bad day. There are reasons behind every remark I make and every snide comment. And a lot of the time you need to just brush it off and let it go because it rarely has anything to do with you.