Friday, October 22, 2010

Ladybird

noun, a small red beetle with black spots.


So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm stubborn.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
And you...

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, but who is as good as you at having coffee with me?! Who is awesome and lovely and so many other things? Who can have bad days and still be my friend? YOU! Because we all have bad patches, and flaws but its called being human.

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  2. Jacqui I love you.
    :( I MISS YOU!
    But I am still a not very good person :P

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  3. Gotta agree with Jac. No one can get everything right love. We all still love you, and we love you the way you are, faults and everything. <3

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  4. you're both too nice to me. I am horrible...

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  5. No such thing as too nice! You're amazing dearest! Most definitely not horrible ;D otherwise I wouldn't still be friends with you after all these years. :P
    Lovelove <3

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  6. I'm quite suprised by this post... You've never been a bitch to me... heck I think there's times when I'm a shittier friend to you than you've ever been to me. Just try to de-stress.... remember I love you.

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  7. you're all so much nicer to me than i deserve.

    i love you guys. seriously

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  8. Stop saying you don't deserve us being nice to you. You do, honestly. You're too amazing to not deserve it. End of story. I love you so much. <3

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  9. YAY!!! ^_^
    but i really am/was being one...

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