LoveLossLiesLoser

i asked you to make a choice.
i suppose you made it.
i don't know how you want me to react.
or how you think i will react.
but for now i have one thing to say.




FUCK. YOU.

loser

Definition? Me.

I'm a loser, a complete idiot.

Stupid me for thinking that after you've spent all day doing that you might be able to give me five minutes of your time.

Is it really too much to ask?

Five minutes.

A simple 'how are you?'

Really?

That's really too much to ask?

I feel so loved, wanted and appreciated.

lagerphone

N, improvised musical instrument made by loosely fitting beer bottle tips to a pole which is then banged to create a jingling percussive effect.

*

It had happened before. But that didn't make it any less scary this time around.

*

Seven years old you heard me cry
'I don't want to say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy, and everything he was...
"I don't think I can live without you
Dad I know you're breaking in two..."'
With tears streaming down his face he said
"we're gonna make it. I'm gonna make it."

*


The idea of losing anyone scares me. Death worse than moving. Though I can't say that anyone who has mentioned moving in the past month or so would have been met with much other than a hostile reaction from me. Its self preservation. Something I used to be good at. Never let yourself get too attached. To anyone. To anything. I used to be the worlds expert at keeping people at arms length. And now I suck at it. I crave human contact. I get to know people and I grow attached. And I get more upset than necessary when people leave or die.

*

I recently said on this blog that I have so much to day but that I can't say it here. Well my gorgeous Courtney just bought me my first journal of the year. I can't even tell you how much of a good idea that is for me. In any normal situation I'd journal all the time. This year? Additional writing that I'm not being marked on? No thank you. But now that its over... The idea of getting back into writing excites me. I was ready to start a new story, and to have somewhere to write things down that isn't available to everybodys eyes seems enticing right now.

*

Just before I end this post I would like to say, to those of you Who have made the effort to contact me in the past few days, thank you. It means a lot. Not that anyone really knows what's been going on... But those people who have even just sent me a text to check in in the past few days, I can't even tell you how grateful I am.

♥

Lager

noun, a kind of light effervescent beer

so basically, when i get too close to people i jeopardize my relationships...

i've done it with branden, he's been strong enough to get passed most of that.
i've done it with every friend i've had in the past five years... lied, snapped, screamed, fought, cried. said and done things that I myself would not put up with from a friend.
i'm doing it with you now, and even though i'm coming to realise this, i dont know how to stop it....
its something i do subconsciously and afterwards realise...
you went away, and i got scared that you'd leave for good. and i realised that you mean too much to me to lose. so i subconsciously distance myself... i cause arguements, get upset over the tiniest things, blow everything out of proportion.
because eventually, like so many before you you'll have to make a choice, to stand by me or to give up.................

mybiggestfearrightnowisyougivinguponme.

Lag

verb, fall behind

so...

i currently feel completely lost. i'm almost wondering if i should start an anonymous blog. because there are things going through my head that i dont want anyone to know. because there are things going through my head that i dont even understand.

i feel sad again.

lost.

confused.

i feel like everything is pointless.... i have nothing to aim for anymore.

full of uncertainty.

i like to know what is going to happen. i hate uncertainty. i hate not knowing where i'll be next year, what i'll be doing.

until now it's been so clear, so straight forward... 'this year i was in grade ___, next year i will be in grade ___.' But this time.............. This year i completed grade twelve and my high school education... Next year I will be.............................................

• bachelor of behavioural science
• bachelor of education
• bachelor of arts
  
• working

i dont know.

maybe not even any of those...
well, working regardless i suppose...

i hate not knowing. i hate knowing that everything is changing. everything will be different. i dont have the safety of school anymore. i know that i was so eager to get out while i was there. and dont get me wrong, i still dont want to go back. but i hate knowing that everything is changing... and im scared.

scared of not knowing.
scared of everything changing.
scared of what might happen.
scared of losing myself... although i fear i may already have done that.

i dont like this person... the person i fear i am now. someone with a short temper, always angry or upset, never happy, always hurting people or making them angry or something... i've become someone i wouldn't want to be around.

i hated you needlessly and for that im sorry.
i hated you for a reason, but im done now. you can be that way, but i'm not going to hate you anymore.
you hated me without even knowing me, refused to give me a chance... all i can ask is that maybe you reconsider.

i dont know whats wrong with me. but something isnt right.

lately.............