LoveLossLiesLoser

i asked you to make a choice.
i suppose you made it.
i don't know how you want me to react.
or how you think i will react.
but for now i have one thing to say.




FUCK. YOU.

loser

Definition? Me.

I'm a loser, a complete idiot.

Stupid me for thinking that after you've spent all day doing that you might be able to give me five minutes of your time.

Is it really too much to ask?

Five minutes.

A simple 'how are you?'

Really?

That's really too much to ask?

I feel so loved, wanted and appreciated.

lagerphone

N, improvised musical instrument made by loosely fitting beer bottle tips to a pole which is then banged to create a jingling percussive effect.

*

It had happened before. But that didn't make it any less scary this time around.

*

Seven years old you heard me cry
'I don't want to say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy, and everything he was...
"I don't think I can live without you
Dad I know you're breaking in two..."'
With tears streaming down his face he said
"we're gonna make it. I'm gonna make it."

*


The idea of losing anyone scares me. Death worse than moving. Though I can't say that anyone who has mentioned moving in the past month or so would have been met with much other than a hostile reaction from me. Its self preservation. Something I used to be good at. Never let yourself get too attached. To anyone. To anything. I used to be the worlds expert at keeping people at arms length. And now I suck at it. I crave human contact. I get to know people and I grow attached. And I get more upset than necessary when people leave or die.

*

I recently said on this blog that I have so much to day but that I can't say it here. Well my gorgeous Courtney just bought me my first journal of the year. I can't even tell you how much of a good idea that is for me. In any normal situation I'd journal all the time. This year? Additional writing that I'm not being marked on? No thank you. But now that its over... The idea of getting back into writing excites me. I was ready to start a new story, and to have somewhere to write things down that isn't available to everybodys eyes seems enticing right now.

*

Just before I end this post I would like to say, to those of you Who have made the effort to contact me in the past few days, thank you. It means a lot. Not that anyone really knows what's been going on... But those people who have even just sent me a text to check in in the past few days, I can't even tell you how grateful I am.

♥

Lager

noun, a kind of light effervescent beer

so basically, when i get too close to people i jeopardize my relationships...

i've done it with branden, he's been strong enough to get passed most of that.
i've done it with every friend i've had in the past five years... lied, snapped, screamed, fought, cried. said and done things that I myself would not put up with from a friend.
i'm doing it with you now, and even though i'm coming to realise this, i dont know how to stop it....
its something i do subconsciously and afterwards realise...
you went away, and i got scared that you'd leave for good. and i realised that you mean too much to me to lose. so i subconsciously distance myself... i cause arguements, get upset over the tiniest things, blow everything out of proportion.
because eventually, like so many before you you'll have to make a choice, to stand by me or to give up.................

mybiggestfearrightnowisyougivinguponme.

Lag

verb, fall behind

so...

i currently feel completely lost. i'm almost wondering if i should start an anonymous blog. because there are things going through my head that i dont want anyone to know. because there are things going through my head that i dont even understand.

i feel sad again.

lost.

confused.

i feel like everything is pointless.... i have nothing to aim for anymore.

full of uncertainty.

i like to know what is going to happen. i hate uncertainty. i hate not knowing where i'll be next year, what i'll be doing.

until now it's been so clear, so straight forward... 'this year i was in grade ___, next year i will be in grade ___.' But this time.............. This year i completed grade twelve and my high school education... Next year I will be.............................................

• bachelor of behavioural science
• bachelor of education
• bachelor of arts
  
• working

i dont know.

maybe not even any of those...
well, working regardless i suppose...

i hate not knowing. i hate knowing that everything is changing. everything will be different. i dont have the safety of school anymore. i know that i was so eager to get out while i was there. and dont get me wrong, i still dont want to go back. but i hate knowing that everything is changing... and im scared.

scared of not knowing.
scared of everything changing.
scared of what might happen.
scared of losing myself... although i fear i may already have done that.

i dont like this person... the person i fear i am now. someone with a short temper, always angry or upset, never happy, always hurting people or making them angry or something... i've become someone i wouldn't want to be around.

i hated you needlessly and for that im sorry.
i hated you for a reason, but im done now. you can be that way, but i'm not going to hate you anymore.
you hated me without even knowing me, refused to give me a chance... all i can ask is that maybe you reconsider.

i dont know whats wrong with me. but something isnt right.

lately.............

leisha rant

I don't know what to say because fact of the matter is that a) I don't know if anyone still reads this and b) I don't really want a lot of you reading what I have to day in this particular post...

So I'm rather upset today... And I want to talk about it... I just can't... So instead I'm dawdling my way through target pretending to look at things I can't afford...

I would give anything to avoid my life today... No work, no formal, no family......

Just you and me. But oh that's right. That makes me a "hussy" great.

Just great.

LieToMe

So it's not the next word in the dictionary. But 'Lie' does start with an 'L' and I've been watching 'Lie To Me'. So here we go.

You didn't seem to understand why I reacted so strongly to the idea of you leaving.

And I guess I can understand that.

So many people want to move. To get out of Adelaide, out of Australia, as soon as they can afford it. And I can understand that...

It just seems that a lot of people who are close to me are the ones who want to do it.

I get sad when people leave. Even just on holidays.
I get sad when people leave. And decide they want to stay.

I don't take it very easily when someone says they want to move/are moving. Especially not someone who means so much to me.

I mean, I love you, and I want you to do what's right for you. And that is to move I suppose. As you said, you want to get out of Australia. So you may as well leave when you have the money. And live your life.

But you can't leave me behind.

I know you promised not to.

But then so did the last person who left me...

And I've had no form of response on any contact made in the past six months...

I guess dealing with me just falls in the too hard basket or something... he has so much else going on...

But I miss him.

And I miss you...

And I'm lost...

I feel like now, with nothing to work towards, no school to focus on, I really have no purpose.

I need direction.

I need structure.

I need something to distract me from this...

I can't do this right now.

I just feel like I can't handle it...

Like I'm slipping...

I won't go back...

I can't go back.

~Letters - Uncut~

So earlier this week or last week, Jacqui (♥) over at Things aren't the same anymore and The Vents made a very good point. Letters are a thing that people do at this time of year twelve. They feel like everything is coming to an end and they should have something big and important to say... And I suppose to some extent that's true. In fact, for most of you who have done this, whether now, or another year, or will in the future, or kinda wanted to but didn't in the end, that's probably true. Personally.... I just have things to say that I'm too afraid to share... There's some of you who don't even know how important you are to me... And I don't know if I'm ready for that to come out :P In any case... Here we go again...

My next batch of letters is on their way. But it's long. So sucks to be you all reading through them I suppose... Anywho, they'll be up here soon.

Let's have a video.

*fingers crossed*

LETTERS! (YES IT STARTS WITH L) :D

So I'm stealing an idea from Ben over at Closer to the Heart cos he is cool :)
I honestly don't know how many of you actually read this... so we'll see how this goes :P
and my lettering system is different to Ben's so don't rely on that to work it out because you'll be wrong :P

T: 5-10. Now sweetie i thought you meant minutes but i'm now assuming you meant hours :P heh, i love you. :D and i hear i'm stealing your bed for a night :P

N: If you could see yourself just for a day, you would see how everyone else sees you. And hon, you are fucking beautiful.

J: I'm glad that we can be friends now. :) even though I know we will probably always clash it's good to know that we can get along :)


Y: You're beautiful and I like to think you're one of my best friends. I really really hope we don't lose touch after this year.

S: You don't read this. But I liked your comment. I think you've just changed the way I look at my life with just 7 simple words.

E: So I guess this is the way it's going to be... I don't want to feel like I need to tip toe around you for the rest of my life so I guess I'll say it once more. I'm claiming what is mine and you don't have any say in the matter. Stay away from me unless you can choose to be able to tolerate me.

I: I like hanging out and getting to know you :)

M: It has been so great meeting you and getting to know you. I'm just sad that it's only really been in the past little while that we've really become friends.

D: Oh my freaking gosh, you are pissing me off so so much. if i have to hear that whiney voice anymore i am actually going to scream.

N2: i will always care. even when you say that i dont. always. im here for you and i care a hell of a lot.

S: i really enjoy the time we get to spend together. you always say what you think. which is really admirable but sometimes you don't always put it the best way... in any case, i love you. and i've really missed you.

E2: you are seriously one of the strongest people i know. and it amazes me constantly that you seem to have everything so together most of the time... :)

S2: I feel kinda bad about the way that things are and i kinda feel like i'm the reason for your loss of friends.... i mean i know its not just cos of what happened but... i feel like i had something to do with it... i still hate you. but im sorry for the way things are. and im sorry if it was my fault. there were people who deserved to know the truth.

M2: It was so sweet of you to check in and i really appreciated that you took the time to wish me luck and see how i went. :)

R: Thank you so much for just being there for me and being around for me to talk to.... I really appreciate it and i like to know that you feel like you can turn to me when you need someone at least sometimes. also, thank you so much for your offer this afternoon. youre beautiful inside and out :)

I: Girly i havent seen you in ages. you have such big dreams and aspirations for your future. i hope you achieve your goals in life (theres looooooooooads so at least some). youre such a lovely chooky that you will be loved and accepted wherever you may go in life and in the world. if i dont see you soon, good luck baby girl :)

S3: You're gorgeous inside and out missy. i admire the way youve worked through all of this and figured everything out. never be ashamed of yourself, especially your appearance. because a lot of us girls would kill to look like you.

i think i got everyone.................
:)
love you all.
well...... unless you got a not so nice and loving comment... then i guess i dont love you quite so much :P

Ladylike

adjective, like or befitting a lady.

so i suck and fail and die and dead and murrrrr you don't read this i don't think or well... i only know of twice that you've actually looked at it so you might read it and just never comment or say anything about it. but in any case...... it can't be like this.

it just can't.

Ladybird

noun, a small red beetle with black spots.


So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm stubborn.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
And you...

Lady (yes I found my dictionary)

noun, woman regarded as being of superior social status or as having refined manners.
Honestly, one of my favourite things in the whole world is to wake up and find a really sweet text message waiting for me. You know who you are. Thank you for brightening my day :)

LIBRARY!

Yes, I know that's not the next 'L' word :PI love libraries.

And spending all this time here with you.

It's nice.

*ish all happy and shit*
^______________^

She will love you more than I could.

She who dares to stand where I stood.

L is for... I'll find my dictionary soon i'm sure...

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred... How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war.... hoping for their safe return, but knowing some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness... Does this darkness have a name?

L is for... I think I've actually *lost* my dictionary :P

Broken hearts and torn up letters girl you just can't dance forever if you want to make it better... Times like these won't last forever. Close the doors but never look inside, time will tell if all your love has died. Her empty pockets tell the story.

murrrr more laziness and cant be arsed-ery

Well... That was fun.

L is for... I cannot be arsed getting a dictionary...

This is another insignificant blog filled with insignificant feelings that nobody will ever know.

Ladle

noun, deep long handles spoon used for serving liquids.

AIDAN IS SUPER MEGA AWESOMESAUCE! That is all.

Lading

Noun, cargo.

A day without you is like a year without rain.

-Deanna Mollie Torry.

Lade

verb, ship.

You told me that right now you 'hate my stupid fucking life'. Right now I know how you feel. Even if you might not believe me when I say that. Today there were butterflies and lovehearts covering my arms. You won't understand that. But it's not good...

I want you to know that I care. And that I love you. More than you even realise.

You are so so so important to me.

And I love you.

Sometimes I feel as broken as her... The girl in the picture...

So maybe you're just as broken as I am. And maybe I'm too scared to go on. I cannot do this without you. You said you'd never leave. I need you to be there. And I need you to let me be there for you too.

Sometimes I feel like all I can do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Everyone says they're lost.

Well, I'm not lost.

I know exactly where I am.

I just hate it here.

Sometimes all I want is to be alone.

So here's a tip. Just don't think. Don't fucking think. Because when you think you realise just how fucked up everything really is. You realise you don't know how you got where you are, you don't know where you're going and you don't know what to do anymore.

Sometimes all I want is you.

These days I go to bed every night with my headphones in, listening to that one song, over and over, on repeat. All because it reminds me of you. And no matter what I do you will not leave my mind. I cannot sleep without listening to that song anymore. I hope you're happy.

I know you're not.

Sometimes I want us to run away together and never look back.

All I mind's losing you. I'm not going anywhere. And I will always ALWAYS be here. Always.

Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by these shards of brokenness that nobody can see.

I think movies should have disclaimers at the beginning. "These events will never occur in real life. If they did, you wouldn't be sitting inside watching a fucking movie."

Sometimes people don't hate you until your back is turned. And sometimes they won't love you until you're dead.

Honestly? Judge me all you fucking like. You want to hate me? Go for it. As the saying goes: Take a walk in my fucking shoes (ok... so i'm pretty sure there's no 'fucking' in that saying... but meh). I bet you will fall on the first step.

You can judge me all you like, but you couldn't live my life if you tried.

Ladder

noun, one set of horizontal bars fixed between two vertical ones and used for climbing up and down.

"if you love someone let them go, and if they come back they are truly yours if not it was never meant to be"

I saw this today. Someone had posted it as their status on Facebook. And we all know that I spend too many hours browsing facebook waiting for something interesting to happen even though I know that it never does, and even though I have far more important work to be doing.

anyway... it made me sad. because i think that that if you love someone that much then you have to hang onto them with all you have. You can't let go and say 'if he/she loves me he/she will come back for me.' Because fact of the matter is that if you test this, most of the time, you're only going to lose out, and lose them. And it's nobody's fault but yours.

if you love someone, and i mean really love someone, you should do everything you can to keep them in your life. Because it is more important to love and be loved than to test people's word. If someone says they love me I take it at face value. If i say I love someone I mean it. I may sound like i throw it around a lot. But i never want the people i love to forget it. Ever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love someone, things won't always be perfect. No relationship can be. I mean, we're only human. We all screw up. Some lie, some cheat, some break at the first sign of trouble. Some, like me, are far too needy. Yeh, I know I am. None of us are perfect. So no relationship will be without problems. I know that each and every one of you have been through a hard time in your life before. And if you haven't, believe me; it's going to come. I'm sure that you've all felt at one stage that you cant go on. And then you've found some hope. There's always ALWAYS hope. No matter how bad things get. Get up in the morning and be grateful for the sunshine or the rain. You may not be perfect. You may not be who you want to be. He/she may not be perfect. And you might not be perfect together. but if you love someone and they make you happy, make you smile, if they brighten your day or make you a better person... hold onto them.

those who are strongest are those who do not run at the first sign of trouble. those who are strongest are willing to got the hard yards. Because honestly, if you're not willing to put in any effort, good luck maintaining any form of friendship or relationship more than a month. But more than anything, be with who makes you happy. and stay. make it work. if its worth it you'll work it out.

So here's to never forgetting.

Here's to being young, acting like a high schooler, and never wanting to grow up.

Here's to wishes at 11.11.

Here's to change, both good and bad.

Here's to missing the people you care about.

Here's to moving on.

Here's to all the words we never said.

Here's to every tear you've wasted on people that didn't care.

Here's to hard work.

Here's to nights spent living in the moment.

Here's to pumping Lady Gaga as loudly as possible coming out of private school car parks so that those bitches know we're hub scum.

Here's to late night Maccas runs.

Here's to the songs that make you hurt like nothing else.

Here's to those nights we've cried ourselves to sleep.

Here's to life, as hard is it may be, and picking ourselves up even though we've falling a million times and will only fall a million more.

Here's to us. Because we're almost out the other side. We've almost made it now.

Here's to the hard times that make us stronger.

Here's to love.

Lad

noun, boy, youth.

So... Psych Find-a-word. The idea is that you look at it, and comment the first five words you see. It's supposed to reflect your mind or something.

So here's mine: Fool, Dread, Leave, Scum, Suicide, Kiss.

Lacy

adjective, of or resembling lace fabric.

when you are important to another person that person will always find a way to make time for you.

no excuses.

no lies.

no broken promises.

Lacuna

Noun, gap or missing portion. (yay, finally finished with milk :P)

We were tight, but it falls apart as silver turns to blue.

Waxing with a candlelight, and burning just for you.
Allocate your sentiment, and stick it in a box.
I've never been an extrovert, but i'm still breathing.

I'm going to steal something here from my lovely fellow blogger, Shootingatspiders... And see how this goes.

Truthfully... Knowing some of the things you've said about me behind my back to people who don't even know me hurts. Our "friendship" will never be the same.

Truthfully... Sometimes I'm a bitch just so I can see if you care or not.

Truthfully... I don't think I can lose you again.

Truthfully... Sometimes I want to ask you to choose just so that I can see who you would pick.

Truthfully... I love you.

Truthfully... I lied.

Truthfully... I will never desert you like others have...

Truthfully... I don't want to feel like this tomorrow, and I don't want to live like this today.

Truthfully... I've changed since I met you.

Truthfully... You. Are Beautiful. And I... Am jealous.

Truthfully... Sometimes I think you really are the male version of me.

Truthfully... There's more going on than you think there is.

Truthfully... I've been officially diagnosed now.

Truthfully... That night was the best night sleep I've had in a while.

Truthfully... sometimes I feel like song lyrics are they only way to express myself.

Truthfully... You don't care as much as you say you do.

Truthfully... I know more than you think I do.

Truthfully... No matter how hard you try to get your head around it you will never understand our friendship.

Truthfully... Other people matter too.

Truthfully... I will never be who you want me to be.

Truthfully... I am not as much of a terrible person as you think I am.

Truthfully... I just want you to like me.

Truthfully... There are times when I cannot wait for formal. Because I know it is going to be the last time that I will have to see your face without the option of punching you.

Truthfully... There are times when I cannot wait for formal. Because after that I don't have to see you anymore.

Lactose (Dear so and so...)

noun, sugar that occurs in milk (are we almost done with milk?)

So... I think it's letters time again... just because there are a few that i have to get out. even if i'm not sure whether the people i'm writing to even read this anymore (in fact idk if anyone does...) and even though i know at least one of them *cant* read this anymore. But we're not going back to the 30 day challenge cos that got too hard and blegh and pointless. Lol....... I'm not meant to say 'lol' in a blog am I? meh...

Hey you,

It's a bad thing, isn't it? That I feel worse about falling asleep on you when you needed someone, that I'm more worried you may hate me, than I am about losing the one person who has been a constant in my life for eighteen years.

I am sorry. I really am. And I love you. And you mean the world to me. You really do. One of only a small handful of people who come into that category. And that isn't going to change. Nothing can change that.

Ever.

♥

You.

I still have your letter. It just got caught between someone I just invented, who i really am and who I've become.

You're a dick.

I don't feel bad anymore.

What you did was wrong. And I've finally accepted that it wasn't my fault.

Time for you to stop haunting me now.

Hey Babe...

You have nothing to worry about. I know you'll never ever believe me. But you don't. Nothing.

And I love you. I love you so much.

♥ ♥

Dudes.

I don't know how to tell you what I want to tell you.

And I don't think you care or want to listen anyway.

I'm pretty sure you don't read this in any case...

Bevwhugdb zdv ixq. L zdqw brx wr olnh ph. Eholhyh lw ru qrw, l olnh brx.

Leish.

Elly,

Iknowhowitfeels. Ihavethesame. Youwouldn'tknowthat... But... Weareoneandthesameinmanyways. IwishIcouldtellyouthat. ButIcant.

I love you.

♥

Lactic

adjective, of milk

I know that i'm eighteen years old. I should have grown out of it a long time ago. Ten years at least. But honestly, somewhere inside me is that same scared little girl as before. The monsters have changed. But they're still there, hiding under my bed, waiting to scare me all over again.

Lacteal

Adjective, of milk.

Sometimes I feel really small. Like you could close your hands and crush me. Like you wouldn't even notice if I were gone.

Lactation

noun, secretion of milk by the mammary glands.

sometimes i really want to drown...

Lactate

verb, secrete milk

Day 11 - a deceased person i wish i could talk to

Honestly, as much as I wish I could talk to you... I don't know what to say...

Part of me still hates you. So much.

Part of me wants to know why.

Part of me doesn't even care anymore.

Part of me just wants to forget about you...

Part of me really misses you.......................

I hope you're happy.

Wherever you are.

.♥.

L is for... it's the middle of the night, i want to blog not find a dictionary.

Hi.

I just want you to know that I think you're a two-faced, back-stabbing, lying, pathetic bitch. You don't know me and you don't know anything about my life.

Lacrosse

Noun. game like hockey, but with the ball carried in a long handed racquet.

If I could look like anyone else I would pick Alexis Bledel. She's so beautiful... ♥

L Is For..... I can't be bothered getting my dictionary :P

Day 10 - Someone You Don't Talk To As Much As You Would Like To.

Hey babe...

So... Essentially year twelve just sucks arse. And I know you said you feel bad for not being there for me as much and not being around to talk to. And I would love to talk to you more. I really would.

But then at the same time... I need you to do your best. And you don't work well when we're talking. You get distracted, and then end up tired because you've stayed up til all hours finishing. And it's not fair on you.

I need you to do your work, to get the best grades you can, and for us to get out.

I miss you.

.♥.Leish...

Laconic 2

Naww. Also... You're so cute ^____________________^

Laconic

Adjective, terse, using few words.

Day 8 - My Favourite Internet Friend

Heyyyyya!

You amuse me. Although I know I've said this multiple times, and even in a few different languages I think. I'm really glad we met and then eventually started chatting, cos you're a great guy who I've really enjoyed getting to know a bit better.

You're so random which I enjoy. And idk. You've automatically become the first person I say hi to when i log in cos I just want to talk to you :)

You're awesome, and I'm not going to stop telling you that until you believe me.

.♥.Leish

PS. If I were a vampire, I'd hug you. :)

lacklustre

Adjective, dull.

Day 7 - My Ex-Boyfriend (Oh Lol!)

Hey Dude.

I don't think you even really qualify for this... But meh. You're the closest I've got unless people want to read about my thirteen year engagement that was mutually called off this year (Don't ask :P).

So here goes. I'm pree sure our little going out thing lasted all of about a week? Maybe two? Haha. In any case, not long at all. Oh year eight relationships.

In any case, I'm pretty sure you're awesome, and one of my best friends. And us breaking up was an awesome idea. If I remember correctly though, I think I have to thank you. Because whining about how you were ignoring me to Branden that entire week or two was part of what caused me and him to talk more. On top of that, I just really liked him. Ooops.

I'd apologise for that... But meh. You don't care, I don't care. Wow. That was a weird "relationship". I can't even call it that. Pretty sure that all it did was screw things up a little because I guess we aren't quite as close these days.

But I guess the most important part is that both of us are happy. Which we are. So that's pretty awesome ^_^

.♥. Leish

Lacking

Adjective, Absent or deficient.

Day 6 - A stranger.

I know now that your name is Bob, but I didn't until I scanned your coffee card and your name flashed up on the screen. Your name is Bob, and you were the highlight in my day.

You must be at least seventy. At first I was vaguely annoyed with you for coming to get your coffee during the five minutes of quiet we had for the day. But you chatted away, told me about your family and your plans for the day, asked me about school and just chatted while I made your coffee.

Then you paid and went to leave, but just before you did you turned around and said 'Thanks for the chat. You made my day.'

And that made my day. It was a hellish day. But those eight words cheered me up a little. Thank you Bob.

Leisha.

Lackey

Noun, servile follower, manservant.

Day 5 - My Dreams

Dear Dreams,

As you know, I do not sleep a lot. Well, I suppose you are part of the reason for that. I can rarely close my eyes and be confronted with anything other than those same images, playing over and over in my head, a constant stream of black and white before my eyes.

It's worse when there's colour. Never solid, just the occasional flash. Enough to tell me this dream will not end pleasantly. An instant warning that I will wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks and an enormous headache.

Except for the rare occasion when you're nice, and you let me be where i want, with the one I want. You don't do that often

I don't like you very much.

Sorry.

.♥. Leish

Lackadaisical

Adjective, unenthusiastic, listless.

Day 4 - My Sibling

Alright. I'm just going to say it.

I miss my sister.

There. I said it ok? I miss you and I wish you'd come home. 15 Days to go.

.♥. Leish

Lachrymose

Adjective, given to weeping; tearful.

Note to self:

Never kill a full grown man.

You aren't strong enough to carry him further than from the bedroom almost to the lounge room...

Lachrymal 2

Branden,

I don't think I said enough in my last post. I was a bit brain dead. Still am really...

Anyway... I wanted to tell you that I'm glad we can have conversations like the one we had tonight. I'm glad we can talk about our future without it being awkward, and without you running scared. I'm glad that for the most part we really seem to want the same things......

Also, last night was fun too :)

haha

I love you so much.

.♥.Leish

Lachrymal

adjective, of or for tears

Day 2 - My Crush

Well, I don't know how well this one applies to me. Since babe, you're definitely more than my crush. But I have no idea what to tell you... So instead, I'm going to give you some general tips and shit about me... Might come in handy later on. :P

If I say to you 'Get out of my kitchen.' Get. Seriously. Sometimes I'm more than happy to have people in the kitchen when I'm cooking, sometimes there is nothing worse. So if I tell you to get out, seriously do it. One of my biggest pet peeves is having people standing over my shoulder or in my way when I'm cooking or cleaning.

I hate drying dishes. I mean... I'll do it. But I hate it. So I totally dibs washing :P

Uhm... This is harder than I thought... I think you know everything else.

Anyway...

Love you, miss you, need you, want you...

.♥.Leish

lacewing

noun, insect with lace wings whose larvae feed on aphids.

Day 1 - My best friend.

So, I've been trying to think about this post... And think of all of the people I could write to.

Truth be told, there are many who I feel fit under this category, and many who could fit into others also. So I don't really know who I should be direction this letter to.

So I suppose I'd like to talk to her. I've had a great time these past few days, seeing you and hanging out. It's been so much fun to just do stuff together and chill out like nothing matters. I'm really glad that we're here this holidays, that both of us are still at home. Because the time I've spent with you has been just what I've needed. And I hope that it's been fun for you too.

I'm looking forward to the next week and a bit of hanging out. Because it has seriously been so much fun and you've done so much to cheer me up, and I hope the same goes for you.

I love you so much, and you're so beautiful and kind and lovely.

Oh, and PS, those boots are gorgeous ^_^

.♥.Leish

lacerate

verb, mangle or tear.

Starting tomorrow this blog will consist of a month worth of letters to various people and things. It's a Tumblr thing technically, but I don't use tumblr for blogging. I use blogger for blogging. So it will be here. Lol.

In other news...

D':

If you want to join me in the 30 Day Letter Challenge, the list of letters to write is below.

day 1 — your best friend

day 2 — your crush

day 3 — your parents

day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)

day 5 — your dreams

day 6 — a stranger

day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

day8 — your favorite internet friend

day 9 — someone you wish you could meet

day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to

day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you

day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from

day 15 — the person you miss the most

day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country

day 17 — someone from your childhood

day 18 — the person that you wish you could be

day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest

day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression

day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to

day 23 — the last person you kissed

day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory

day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times

day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to

day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day

day 28 — someone that changed your life

day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

.♥.Leish

Lace.

noun, fine open fabric or trimming made by weaving thread in patterns.

I want to tell you that you're basically one of the best friends I've ever had.

And your friendship means so much to me that I can't even explain it.

I'm looking forward to spending some time together this holidays.

I love you.

Always.

Forever.

No matter what happens, your best friends are always there for you.

Labyrinth

Noun, complicated network of passages eg, maze.

I got told by Jac that I have to blog. And then realised it's been a while. Well... Classics exam was today. Went ok... Neither good nor bad I don't think. Just... Average. I'm sure English will be much of the same tomorrow.

Aside from that, I really haven't much to report... I'm tired of people who think they know everything and judge you without first thinking th

at actually maybe you do know more than them. I'm tired of teachers who repeatedly lose work. I'm tired of school and trying to stay up-to-date with work I don't even care about...

I'm watching Master Chef. And they're making like... Risotto of Saffron and Bone Marrow, with Prawns and Liquorice. It sounds odd... Like very odd.

I like risotto though. I make it with chicken though. And tomato. It's yummy.

In other news... My boyfriend is adorable ^_^

Labrador

noun, a retriever of a breed with black of golden coat often used as a gun dog or as a guide for a blind person.

I cannot even express the relief I feel in waiting for school to be over tonight. To only have to come back here two time in the next three weeks...... I cannot even tell you how much of a relief it will be. And to be able to spend entire days at home on my own... And to lock myself away from everyone and everything and just... idk. Get back to my normal self. I'm tired of being rundown and grumpy all the time, and I'm sure everyone is sick of me too.

seriously, i am intending to see almost no one for most of the holidays. sorry if that sounds mean or anything. i just have to get my head back in the right place. cos right now...? it's not.

and i want to see him... actually spend a decent amount of time with him.

i want to get ahead with my school work, get plenty of rest, getback to being somewhat healthy and unsick.

more than anything though... i want to get out of here for a while. this place just... i don't know. as far as a school goes, it's not as bad as everyone says it is... but spending every day inside these big black gates trying to concentrate on things that don't matter when you've been up until three am the night before trying to read this stupid book.... it's harder than it sounds. i am coming back for my classics exam tuesday, and my english exam and then english oral wednesday... and then i am out of her until end of holidays...

.♥.Leish

Labor Party

noun, (abbreviated: ALP, in full: Australian Labor Party) major Australian political party representing the interests of working people and, in its ideals, located to the left of the political spectrum.

So... I wasn't going to blog today. But with all of the drama going on in the ALP, and the words 'Labor Party' being next on the list... It just seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up :P

Australia officially has a new PM. A woman for the first time in Australian history. So I suppose I as much as I say I'm not a feminist or anything like that, I do like to see women achieve. In any case, I am in support of her i think. And I think she'll do a good job.

Anywho... It makes me kind of scared. That I actually have to vote this year. But then I think about it, and can't even see how one vote makes a difference. Does it matter whose policies I support? Does it matter who I think should have power? Not really...

In any case, congratulations to Julia Gillard. Haha, it's kinda funny. Everyone seems to be a 'first female____'. First female PM, first female Governor General, first female speaker etc...

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.

Laborious

noun, needing hard work or toil....

Laboratory

noun, room, building or establishment for scientific experiments, research, chemical manufacture etc.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it if you don't mean it.

There are times when talking about things is exactly what you need. And there are other times, times like today, when no amount of talking can make it better. When all you can do is breathe, put one foot in front of the other, get through the day until you can sink into unconsciousness, hoping that tomorrow, just maybe, things will be better, or at least easier... Tomorrow you will be fine.

If you rewrite history enough times, it can be as if something never happened. If you can pretend for long enough, eventually history will be rewritten...

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.

Labium. (Gosh darn it Jacqui, you were right.. I'd forgotten about this one...)

noun, each fold of skin of the two pairs enclosing the vulva.

So I'm now thinking my whole 'L' idea is not so great :p In any case, it's kinda funny :P

So. In the past twenty four hours, I have come to the conclusion that I am a jealous bitch and more paranoid than I should be about things... But I shouldn't talk about that here.

Just so you know... I'm sorry everything changed, and I'm sorry we drifted apart. But I guess it's been for the best for you. You wouldn't have what you have now if you hadn't sacrificed our relationship.

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.

Labial.

Adjective, of the lips.

Some moods can only be fixed by listening to Steven Curtis Chapman on repeat.

It’s kind of ironic, that I became known for a while as ‘Cindy’ or ‘Cinderella’, by a few people because of one friend. Who is maybe still a friend now. Maybe not. I don’t really know anymore. And the song that can always calm me down is ‘Cinderella’ by Steven Curtis Chapman.

That’s why... You know it’s bad when I go from Mayday Parade to Steven Curtis Chapman. Or from whoever else I’m listening to almost solely on repeat at the time.

I’m not smart like everyone else. I’m one of the less smart people in the ‘Ignite’ class. I’m one of the ones who cannot think I’ve bombed out and still achieve the high ‘B’ grade that is not good enough. I’m the one who bombs out, forgets half my essay and gets a 12. I can’t get all upset over a ‘B’ when I wanted an ‘A’. Because getting a ‘B’ takes so much time and effort that it’s just... An achievement even when it’s a disappointment.

I need to learn to concentrate when there’s other stuff going on. Because the only way I can pass is to put all of my time and effort into my school work. And at the moment I don’t do that. I sit down and try to do work but there’s always so much other stuff going on that it just doesn’t get done. Or I don’t work on it as thoroughly as I should. Or... put as much effort into it as I should. There are times when I pass things up and I know I haven’t done my best, and I get a worse mark. And I’m prepared for that. But you have no idea how hard it is sometimes to pass up something that is your best work. You’ve worked on it so hard, for so long, and put everything you have into getting it right, and yet it’s not good enough. You get a lower grade anyway. Because I’m not that smart. And I’m not that good at it and.... I just can’t. I can’t achieve the results I want to achieve regardless of how hard I work or how much time and effort I put into it.

I don’t want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist because I think it will be fun to do. Hell, I have enough of my own issues without dealing with other people’s for fun.

I want to get into that career to further research in teen suicide and depression. To work out why it happens. To figure out if it’s chemical or because of the situation they’re in or both. I want to be in it for prevention. I want to help out kids like the ones I’ve known, like myself, who feel like they aren’t good enough and nothing is worth it anymore. I want to help out the kids who don’t want to do it anymore. And show them that there is more to it. And that things will get better.

But I suppose to do that, I first have to believe that things actually will get better.

I want to do it... So much. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I don’t do that. That’s *what* I want to do.

But for someone like me? Who isn’t that smart? A 95.10 is pretty much an impossible score to obtain. I’ll be lucky to even reach the 75-80 range where behavioural science falls.

There was a time when I wanted to teach. I even jokingly said the other day that I want to become a teacher merely so that I can staple Maccas job applications to failed tests and assignments. I mean, in reality I would never do that, because well... I could be one of those kids getting that job application, and even though I already have a job... It would be upsetting none the less. But anyway, it was a joke so it doesn’t really matter. What I realised though... Is that, while that is/was my back up career option... I don’t want to. I can’t. I couldn’t. How could I be a teacher when I can barely make it through school myself? I don’t want to walk into my work place every day for the rest of my life and feel like the fraud that that would make me feel like.

Here’s the thing. I’m a bitch sometime. And I know it. I’m sad a lot. And I know it. But I think something that you don’t realise, when you refer to me as a bitch, and complain that I’m sad, is that I actually do have things going on in my life. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want special treatment. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me. But what you need to realise is that I have things happening in my life. Things that none of you, not a single person who reads this, know about, and maybe will ever know about (well... except Branden knows a lot of it...) I’m not a bitch without reason. I’m not sad without reason. I don’t get upset for no reason. I don’t try to be happy for no reason.

There are reasons behind everything I do. There are reasons behind every bad day. There are reasons behind every remark I make and every snide comment. And a lot of the time you need to just brush it off and let it go because it rarely has anything to do with you.

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.

Label.

noun, a piece of paper attached to an object to give information about it.

So. Hi.

Welcome to my new blog.

To begin with, I need to explain that the title, 'L is For' is not my creation. I am not awesome enough to come up with something clever like that. Credit for that must go to Lauren, over at Lessons in Symmetry.

Anyway, now to explain a little I suppose. My old blog has... Let's just say a lot of memories. A lot of little posts of annoyance, randomness, fights, happiness, sadness and pain. Now don't get me wrong, it's all important to me. I am glad to have it there. Almost like a documentation of everything that's gone on in the past three years of my life.

But basically it just felt like time for a clean slate. Time for me to start over new.

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.