Ladylike

adjective, like or befitting a lady.

so i suck and fail and die and dead and murrrrr you don't read this i don't think or well... i only know of twice that you've actually looked at it so you might read it and just never comment or say anything about it. but in any case...... it can't be like this.

it just can't.

Ladybird

noun, a small red beetle with black spots.


So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm stubborn.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
And you...

She will love you more than I could.

She who dares to stand where I stood.

L is for... I'll find my dictionary soon i'm sure...

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred... How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war.... hoping for their safe return, but knowing some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness... Does this darkness have a name?

L is for... I think I've actually *lost* my dictionary :P

Broken hearts and torn up letters girl you just can't dance forever if you want to make it better... Times like these won't last forever. Close the doors but never look inside, time will tell if all your love has died. Her empty pockets tell the story.

L is for... I cannot be arsed getting a dictionary...

This is another insignificant blog filled with insignificant feelings that nobody will ever know.

Lade

verb, ship.

You told me that right now you 'hate my stupid fucking life'. Right now I know how you feel. Even if you might not believe me when I say that. Today there were butterflies and lovehearts covering my arms. You won't understand that. But it's not good...

I want you to know that I care. And that I love you. More than you even realise.

You are so so so important to me.

And I love you.

Sometimes I feel as broken as her... The girl in the picture...

So maybe you're just as broken as I am. And maybe I'm too scared to go on. I cannot do this without you. You said you'd never leave. I need you to be there. And I need you to let me be there for you too.

Sometimes I feel like all I can do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Everyone says they're lost.

Well, I'm not lost.

I know exactly where I am.

I just hate it here.

Sometimes all I want is to be alone.

So here's a tip. Just don't think. Don't fucking think. Because when you think you realise just how fucked up everything really is. You realise you don't know how you got where you are, you don't know where you're going and you don't know what to do anymore.

Sometimes all I want is you.

These days I go to bed every night with my headphones in, listening to that one song, over and over, on repeat. All because it reminds me of you. And no matter what I do you will not leave my mind. I cannot sleep without listening to that song anymore. I hope you're happy.

I know you're not.

Sometimes I want us to run away together and never look back.

All I mind's losing you. I'm not going anywhere. And I will always ALWAYS be here. Always.

Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by these shards of brokenness that nobody can see.

I think movies should have disclaimers at the beginning. "These events will never occur in real life. If they did, you wouldn't be sitting inside watching a fucking movie."

Sometimes people don't hate you until your back is turned. And sometimes they won't love you until you're dead.

Honestly? Judge me all you fucking like. You want to hate me? Go for it. As the saying goes: Take a walk in my fucking shoes (ok... so i'm pretty sure there's no 'fucking' in that saying... but meh). I bet you will fall on the first step.

You can judge me all you like, but you couldn't live my life if you tried.

Ladder

noun, one set of horizontal bars fixed between two vertical ones and used for climbing up and down.

"if you love someone let them go, and if they come back they are truly yours if not it was never meant to be"

I saw this today. Someone had posted it as their status on Facebook. And we all know that I spend too many hours browsing facebook waiting for something interesting to happen even though I know that it never does, and even though I have far more important work to be doing.

anyway... it made me sad. because i think that that if you love someone that much then you have to hang onto them with all you have. You can't let go and say 'if he/she loves me he/she will come back for me.' Because fact of the matter is that if you test this, most of the time, you're only going to lose out, and lose them. And it's nobody's fault but yours.

if you love someone, and i mean really love someone, you should do everything you can to keep them in your life. Because it is more important to love and be loved than to test people's word. If someone says they love me I take it at face value. If i say I love someone I mean it. I may sound like i throw it around a lot. But i never want the people i love to forget it. Ever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love someone, things won't always be perfect. No relationship can be. I mean, we're only human. We all screw up. Some lie, some cheat, some break at the first sign of trouble. Some, like me, are far too needy. Yeh, I know I am. None of us are perfect. So no relationship will be without problems. I know that each and every one of you have been through a hard time in your life before. And if you haven't, believe me; it's going to come. I'm sure that you've all felt at one stage that you cant go on. And then you've found some hope. There's always ALWAYS hope. No matter how bad things get. Get up in the morning and be grateful for the sunshine or the rain. You may not be perfect. You may not be who you want to be. He/she may not be perfect. And you might not be perfect together. but if you love someone and they make you happy, make you smile, if they brighten your day or make you a better person... hold onto them.

those who are strongest are those who do not run at the first sign of trouble. those who are strongest are willing to got the hard yards. Because honestly, if you're not willing to put in any effort, good luck maintaining any form of friendship or relationship more than a month. But more than anything, be with who makes you happy. and stay. make it work. if its worth it you'll work it out.

So here's to never forgetting.

Here's to being young, acting like a high schooler, and never wanting to grow up.

Here's to wishes at 11.11.

Here's to change, both good and bad.

Here's to missing the people you care about.

Here's to moving on.

Here's to all the words we never said.

Here's to every tear you've wasted on people that didn't care.

Here's to hard work.

Here's to nights spent living in the moment.

Here's to pumping Lady Gaga as loudly as possible coming out of private school car parks so that those bitches know we're hub scum.

Here's to late night Maccas runs.

Here's to the songs that make you hurt like nothing else.

Here's to those nights we've cried ourselves to sleep.

Here's to life, as hard is it may be, and picking ourselves up even though we've falling a million times and will only fall a million more.

Here's to us. Because we're almost out the other side. We've almost made it now.

Here's to the hard times that make us stronger.

Here's to love.

Lacy

adjective, of or resembling lace fabric.

when you are important to another person that person will always find a way to make time for you.

no excuses.

no lies.

no broken promises.

Lactic

adjective, of milk

I know that i'm eighteen years old. I should have grown out of it a long time ago. Ten years at least. But honestly, somewhere inside me is that same scared little girl as before. The monsters have changed. But they're still there, hiding under my bed, waiting to scare me all over again.

Laboratory

noun, room, building or establishment for scientific experiments, research, chemical manufacture etc.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it if you don't mean it.

There are times when talking about things is exactly what you need. And there are other times, times like today, when no amount of talking can make it better. When all you can do is breathe, put one foot in front of the other, get through the day until you can sink into unconsciousness, hoping that tomorrow, just maybe, things will be better, or at least easier... Tomorrow you will be fine.

If you rewrite history enough times, it can be as if something never happened. If you can pretend for long enough, eventually history will be rewritten...

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.

Labial.

Adjective, of the lips.

Some moods can only be fixed by listening to Steven Curtis Chapman on repeat.

It’s kind of ironic, that I became known for a while as ‘Cindy’ or ‘Cinderella’, by a few people because of one friend. Who is maybe still a friend now. Maybe not. I don’t really know anymore. And the song that can always calm me down is ‘Cinderella’ by Steven Curtis Chapman.

That’s why... You know it’s bad when I go from Mayday Parade to Steven Curtis Chapman. Or from whoever else I’m listening to almost solely on repeat at the time.

I’m not smart like everyone else. I’m one of the less smart people in the ‘Ignite’ class. I’m one of the ones who cannot think I’ve bombed out and still achieve the high ‘B’ grade that is not good enough. I’m the one who bombs out, forgets half my essay and gets a 12. I can’t get all upset over a ‘B’ when I wanted an ‘A’. Because getting a ‘B’ takes so much time and effort that it’s just... An achievement even when it’s a disappointment.

I need to learn to concentrate when there’s other stuff going on. Because the only way I can pass is to put all of my time and effort into my school work. And at the moment I don’t do that. I sit down and try to do work but there’s always so much other stuff going on that it just doesn’t get done. Or I don’t work on it as thoroughly as I should. Or... put as much effort into it as I should. There are times when I pass things up and I know I haven’t done my best, and I get a worse mark. And I’m prepared for that. But you have no idea how hard it is sometimes to pass up something that is your best work. You’ve worked on it so hard, for so long, and put everything you have into getting it right, and yet it’s not good enough. You get a lower grade anyway. Because I’m not that smart. And I’m not that good at it and.... I just can’t. I can’t achieve the results I want to achieve regardless of how hard I work or how much time and effort I put into it.

I don’t want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist because I think it will be fun to do. Hell, I have enough of my own issues without dealing with other people’s for fun.

I want to get into that career to further research in teen suicide and depression. To work out why it happens. To figure out if it’s chemical or because of the situation they’re in or both. I want to be in it for prevention. I want to help out kids like the ones I’ve known, like myself, who feel like they aren’t good enough and nothing is worth it anymore. I want to help out the kids who don’t want to do it anymore. And show them that there is more to it. And that things will get better.

But I suppose to do that, I first have to believe that things actually will get better.

I want to do it... So much. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I don’t do that. That’s *what* I want to do.

But for someone like me? Who isn’t that smart? A 95.10 is pretty much an impossible score to obtain. I’ll be lucky to even reach the 75-80 range where behavioural science falls.

There was a time when I wanted to teach. I even jokingly said the other day that I want to become a teacher merely so that I can staple Maccas job applications to failed tests and assignments. I mean, in reality I would never do that, because well... I could be one of those kids getting that job application, and even though I already have a job... It would be upsetting none the less. But anyway, it was a joke so it doesn’t really matter. What I realised though... Is that, while that is/was my back up career option... I don’t want to. I can’t. I couldn’t. How could I be a teacher when I can barely make it through school myself? I don’t want to walk into my work place every day for the rest of my life and feel like the fraud that that would make me feel like.

Here’s the thing. I’m a bitch sometime. And I know it. I’m sad a lot. And I know it. But I think something that you don’t realise, when you refer to me as a bitch, and complain that I’m sad, is that I actually do have things going on in my life. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want special treatment. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me. But what you need to realise is that I have things happening in my life. Things that none of you, not a single person who reads this, know about, and maybe will ever know about (well... except Branden knows a lot of it...) I’m not a bitch without reason. I’m not sad without reason. I don’t get upset for no reason. I don’t try to be happy for no reason.

There are reasons behind everything I do. There are reasons behind every bad day. There are reasons behind every remark I make and every snide comment. And a lot of the time you need to just brush it off and let it go because it rarely has anything to do with you.

.♥.Leish

.♥.love.♥.laugher.♥.lullabies.♥.