Ladybird

noun, a small red beetle with black spots.


So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm stubborn.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
And you...

Lactose (Dear so and so...)

noun, sugar that occurs in milk (are we almost done with milk?)

So... I think it's letters time again... just because there are a few that i have to get out. even if i'm not sure whether the people i'm writing to even read this anymore (in fact idk if anyone does...) and even though i know at least one of them *cant* read this anymore. But we're not going back to the 30 day challenge cos that got too hard and blegh and pointless. Lol....... I'm not meant to say 'lol' in a blog am I? meh...

Hey you,

It's a bad thing, isn't it? That I feel worse about falling asleep on you when you needed someone, that I'm more worried you may hate me, than I am about losing the one person who has been a constant in my life for eighteen years.

I am sorry. I really am. And I love you. And you mean the world to me. You really do. One of only a small handful of people who come into that category. And that isn't going to change. Nothing can change that.

Ever.

♥

You.

I still have your letter. It just got caught between someone I just invented, who i really am and who I've become.

You're a dick.

I don't feel bad anymore.

What you did was wrong. And I've finally accepted that it wasn't my fault.

Time for you to stop haunting me now.

Hey Babe...

You have nothing to worry about. I know you'll never ever believe me. But you don't. Nothing.

And I love you. I love you so much.

♥ ♥

Dudes.

I don't know how to tell you what I want to tell you.

And I don't think you care or want to listen anyway.

I'm pretty sure you don't read this in any case...

Bevwhugdb zdv ixq. L zdqw brx wr olnh ph. Eholhyh lw ru qrw, l olnh brx.

Leish.

Elly,

Iknowhowitfeels. Ihavethesame. Youwouldn'tknowthat... But... Weareoneandthesameinmanyways. IwishIcouldtellyouthat. ButIcant.

I love you.

♥