Lager

noun, a kind of light effervescent beer

so basically, when i get too close to people i jeopardize my relationships...

i've done it with branden, he's been strong enough to get passed most of that.
i've done it with every friend i've had in the past five years... lied, snapped, screamed, fought, cried. said and done things that I myself would not put up with from a friend.
i'm doing it with you now, and even though i'm coming to realise this, i dont know how to stop it....
its something i do subconsciously and afterwards realise...
you went away, and i got scared that you'd leave for good. and i realised that you mean too much to me to lose. so i subconsciously distance myself... i cause arguements, get upset over the tiniest things, blow everything out of proportion.
because eventually, like so many before you you'll have to make a choice, to stand by me or to give up.................

mybiggestfearrightnowisyougivinguponme.

Lag

verb, fall behind

so...

i currently feel completely lost. i'm almost wondering if i should start an anonymous blog. because there are things going through my head that i dont want anyone to know. because there are things going through my head that i dont even understand.

i feel sad again.

lost.

confused.

i feel like everything is pointless.... i have nothing to aim for anymore.

full of uncertainty.

i like to know what is going to happen. i hate uncertainty. i hate not knowing where i'll be next year, what i'll be doing.

until now it's been so clear, so straight forward... 'this year i was in grade ___, next year i will be in grade ___.' But this time.............. This year i completed grade twelve and my high school education... Next year I will be.............................................

• bachelor of behavioural science
• bachelor of education
• bachelor of arts
  
• working

i dont know.

maybe not even any of those...
well, working regardless i suppose...

i hate not knowing. i hate knowing that everything is changing. everything will be different. i dont have the safety of school anymore. i know that i was so eager to get out while i was there. and dont get me wrong, i still dont want to go back. but i hate knowing that everything is changing... and im scared.

scared of not knowing.
scared of everything changing.
scared of what might happen.
scared of losing myself... although i fear i may already have done that.

i dont like this person... the person i fear i am now. someone with a short temper, always angry or upset, never happy, always hurting people or making them angry or something... i've become someone i wouldn't want to be around.

i hated you needlessly and for that im sorry.
i hated you for a reason, but im done now. you can be that way, but i'm not going to hate you anymore.
you hated me without even knowing me, refused to give me a chance... all i can ask is that maybe you reconsider.

i dont know whats wrong with me. but something isnt right.

lately.............

leisha rant

I don't know what to say because fact of the matter is that a) I don't know if anyone still reads this and b) I don't really want a lot of you reading what I have to day in this particular post...

So I'm rather upset today... And I want to talk about it... I just can't... So instead I'm dawdling my way through target pretending to look at things I can't afford...

I would give anything to avoid my life today... No work, no formal, no family......

Just you and me. But oh that's right. That makes me a "hussy" great.

Just great.

LieToMe

So it's not the next word in the dictionary. But 'Lie' does start with an 'L' and I've been watching 'Lie To Me'. So here we go.

You didn't seem to understand why I reacted so strongly to the idea of you leaving.

And I guess I can understand that.

So many people want to move. To get out of Adelaide, out of Australia, as soon as they can afford it. And I can understand that...

It just seems that a lot of people who are close to me are the ones who want to do it.

I get sad when people leave. Even just on holidays.
I get sad when people leave. And decide they want to stay.

I don't take it very easily when someone says they want to move/are moving. Especially not someone who means so much to me.

I mean, I love you, and I want you to do what's right for you. And that is to move I suppose. As you said, you want to get out of Australia. So you may as well leave when you have the money. And live your life.

But you can't leave me behind.

I know you promised not to.

But then so did the last person who left me...

And I've had no form of response on any contact made in the past six months...

I guess dealing with me just falls in the too hard basket or something... he has so much else going on...

But I miss him.

And I miss you...

And I'm lost...

I feel like now, with nothing to work towards, no school to focus on, I really have no purpose.

I need direction.

I need structure.

I need something to distract me from this...

I can't do this right now.

I just feel like I can't handle it...

Like I'm slipping...

I won't go back...

I can't go back.

~Letters - Uncut~

So earlier this week or last week, Jacqui (♥) over at Things aren't the same anymore and The Vents made a very good point. Letters are a thing that people do at this time of year twelve. They feel like everything is coming to an end and they should have something big and important to say... And I suppose to some extent that's true. In fact, for most of you who have done this, whether now, or another year, or will in the future, or kinda wanted to but didn't in the end, that's probably true. Personally.... I just have things to say that I'm too afraid to share... There's some of you who don't even know how important you are to me... And I don't know if I'm ready for that to come out :P In any case... Here we go again...

My next batch of letters is on their way. But it's long. So sucks to be you all reading through them I suppose... Anywho, they'll be up here soon.

Let's have a video.

*fingers crossed*