LieToMe

So it's not the next word in the dictionary. But 'Lie' does start with an 'L' and I've been watching 'Lie To Me'. So here we go.

You didn't seem to understand why I reacted so strongly to the idea of you leaving.

And I guess I can understand that.

So many people want to move. To get out of Adelaide, out of Australia, as soon as they can afford it. And I can understand that...

It just seems that a lot of people who are close to me are the ones who want to do it.

I get sad when people leave. Even just on holidays.
I get sad when people leave. And decide they want to stay.

I don't take it very easily when someone says they want to move/are moving. Especially not someone who means so much to me.

I mean, I love you, and I want you to do what's right for you. And that is to move I suppose. As you said, you want to get out of Australia. So you may as well leave when you have the money. And live your life.

But you can't leave me behind.

I know you promised not to.

But then so did the last person who left me...

And I've had no form of response on any contact made in the past six months...

I guess dealing with me just falls in the too hard basket or something... he has so much else going on...

But I miss him.

And I miss you...

And I'm lost...

I feel like now, with nothing to work towards, no school to focus on, I really have no purpose.

I need direction.

I need structure.

I need something to distract me from this...

I can't do this right now.

I just feel like I can't handle it...

Like I'm slipping...

I won't go back...

I can't go back.

~Letters - Uncut~

So earlier this week or last week, Jacqui (♥) over at Things aren't the same anymore and The Vents made a very good point. Letters are a thing that people do at this time of year twelve. They feel like everything is coming to an end and they should have something big and important to say... And I suppose to some extent that's true. In fact, for most of you who have done this, whether now, or another year, or will in the future, or kinda wanted to but didn't in the end, that's probably true. Personally.... I just have things to say that I'm too afraid to share... There's some of you who don't even know how important you are to me... And I don't know if I'm ready for that to come out :P In any case... Here we go again...

My next batch of letters is on their way. But it's long. So sucks to be you all reading through them I suppose... Anywho, they'll be up here soon.

Let's have a video.

*fingers crossed*

LETTERS! (YES IT STARTS WITH L) :D

So I'm stealing an idea from Ben over at Closer to the Heart cos he is cool :)
I honestly don't know how many of you actually read this... so we'll see how this goes :P
and my lettering system is different to Ben's so don't rely on that to work it out because you'll be wrong :P

T: 5-10. Now sweetie i thought you meant minutes but i'm now assuming you meant hours :P heh, i love you. :D and i hear i'm stealing your bed for a night :P

N: If you could see yourself just for a day, you would see how everyone else sees you. And hon, you are fucking beautiful.

J: I'm glad that we can be friends now. :) even though I know we will probably always clash it's good to know that we can get along :)


Y: You're beautiful and I like to think you're one of my best friends. I really really hope we don't lose touch after this year.

S: You don't read this. But I liked your comment. I think you've just changed the way I look at my life with just 7 simple words.

E: So I guess this is the way it's going to be... I don't want to feel like I need to tip toe around you for the rest of my life so I guess I'll say it once more. I'm claiming what is mine and you don't have any say in the matter. Stay away from me unless you can choose to be able to tolerate me.

I: I like hanging out and getting to know you :)

M: It has been so great meeting you and getting to know you. I'm just sad that it's only really been in the past little while that we've really become friends.

D: Oh my freaking gosh, you are pissing me off so so much. if i have to hear that whiney voice anymore i am actually going to scream.

N2: i will always care. even when you say that i dont. always. im here for you and i care a hell of a lot.

S: i really enjoy the time we get to spend together. you always say what you think. which is really admirable but sometimes you don't always put it the best way... in any case, i love you. and i've really missed you.

E2: you are seriously one of the strongest people i know. and it amazes me constantly that you seem to have everything so together most of the time... :)

S2: I feel kinda bad about the way that things are and i kinda feel like i'm the reason for your loss of friends.... i mean i know its not just cos of what happened but... i feel like i had something to do with it... i still hate you. but im sorry for the way things are. and im sorry if it was my fault. there were people who deserved to know the truth.

M2: It was so sweet of you to check in and i really appreciated that you took the time to wish me luck and see how i went. :)

R: Thank you so much for just being there for me and being around for me to talk to.... I really appreciate it and i like to know that you feel like you can turn to me when you need someone at least sometimes. also, thank you so much for your offer this afternoon. youre beautiful inside and out :)

I: Girly i havent seen you in ages. you have such big dreams and aspirations for your future. i hope you achieve your goals in life (theres looooooooooads so at least some). youre such a lovely chooky that you will be loved and accepted wherever you may go in life and in the world. if i dont see you soon, good luck baby girl :)

S3: You're gorgeous inside and out missy. i admire the way youve worked through all of this and figured everything out. never be ashamed of yourself, especially your appearance. because a lot of us girls would kill to look like you.

i think i got everyone.................
:)
love you all.
well...... unless you got a not so nice and loving comment... then i guess i dont love you quite so much :P

Ladylike

adjective, like or befitting a lady.

so i suck and fail and die and dead and murrrrr you don't read this i don't think or well... i only know of twice that you've actually looked at it so you might read it and just never comment or say anything about it. but in any case...... it can't be like this.

it just can't.

Ladybird

noun, a small red beetle with black spots.


So... it's been a while since I actually blogged about things that mattered...
I'm meant to be cleaning up so that my shit won't be everywhere when he gets here...
But I suppose it's not that messy so he can deal...
So I guess I'm a pretty shitty friend.
And the world's worst girlfriend.
Or maybe I just fail at picking up signs.
But all I seem to do lately is take things the wrong way.
Lash out before you get the chance to explain what you actually mean.
Ignore you because honestly I'm breaking and you seem to have everything so together.
Cause stupid fights and arguments that should never even happen.
And they're all my fault.
Because I'm the one being a bitch for no conceivable reason.
Lately I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
I've said some things that not only did none of you deserve, but also none of it is true.
Basically, I'm a bitch.
And maybe everyone should hate me.
Or maybe you already do.
Because so many of you should.
Honestly, I don't think you've realised yet that I'm not worth it.
I'm stubborn.
I'm a bitch.
And the stress of everything that's going on piled up...
Well, it's turning me into someone you should hate.
Someone I hate.
I'm not a good person.
By any stretch of the imagination.
I am horrible.
And I'm jealous.
Because a lot of the time I think you matter a lot more than I do.
And honestly, part of me resents you for it.
And that's nothing against you.
Because I'm sure you are a lovely person.
That's just my insecurities.
But those insecurities also make me a horrible person.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in bed.
Cuddle my teddy bear.
And hide from the world.
Because it would be a better place without me.
All I do is cause trouble.
All I do is start fights.
All I do is ruin people's days.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay until I snap.
I'm tired of taking things out on the people who matter the most.
Just because I know that no matter what I say and do...
You will always love me.
But it's still not right.
And it's still not fair.
And I am still a horrible person.
I just want you...
And the end of year twelve...
And you...

Lady (yes I found my dictionary)

noun, woman regarded as being of superior social status or as having refined manners.
Honestly, one of my favourite things in the whole world is to wake up and find a really sweet text message waiting for me. You know who you are. Thank you for brightening my day :)